This pompous hipster… <ahem> ‘Artesian Microbrewery Enthusiast’, is clearly attempting to educate the public on the obscure, but no less real, medieval measurement commonly used in the brewing of wine, beer, and spirits.

This suggests what appear to be simple vernacular exaggerations of common weights and measures are potentially reasonable and calculable.

It should then be possible, with some basic research and a little computation, to determine the weight of a shitload, crap-ton, fuck-ton, and metric fuck-ton.

First, a “metric” of something would be a measure modified to a Digital Standard from an Imperial Standard.

For example, a ‘short tonne’ (or simply “ton” in the US) is 2000 lbs.

A ‘long tonne’ is 2240 lbs.

Both are 20 multiples of a “hundredweight” where hundred weight in England is slightly heavier than in the US (“weight” being an old English word for ‘pound’ and in England pounds are a little heavier so HWUS = 100lbs, HWUK= 112 lbs) .

“Metric Ton” is a back-formation of the ‘tonne’ converted to a metric measure, it takes the closest base 10 measure to a tonne (20x) and makes it conform to the kilogram (2.2 lbs) and creates the “metric ton” (2204 lbs).

A “Fuck-ton” is the next measure above a ‘crapton’ (or ‘shitton’).

In the US the standard is generally that three shits equals a fuck. This is so commonly known in the US that it has entered the vocabulary: “I couldn’t give a shit” & “I couldn’t give two shits” are standard, where “I couldn’t give three shits” is almost universally summed to “I couldn’t give a fuck”.

Average craps are 0.7 lbs as determined by a joint study of 1000 individuals through the the Dept of Internal Medicine & Dept of Pathology, at Shahr-e Kord University of Medical Sciences.

Therefore, a “Fuck” is equivalent to 2.1 lbs.

A shit- or crap-ton is 1400 lbs.

Clearly this means a “fuck-ton” must be roughly 4200lbs.

Applying the same method to the “metric” translation, a ‘metric fuck-ton’ would be 2000 kg or 4400 lbs.

I would suggest that an “ass-load”, as a “butt-load”, is a unit of measure by volume. Whereas a “fuck-ton” is clearly a measure by weight. I suppose one could argue that an “ass-load” is much like an ‘ounce’, and can be both a measure of weight or a measure of volume depending on context.

That would require knowing the average weight of an “ass” which I believe is currently roughly 230lbs or 1 Trump.